The Portal
[Scene from The Portal Ofiicial Music Video]
*Trigger Warning Statement*
This content discusses sensitive subjects and may not be suitable for all viewers
The Portal is a song based on a very horrific and tragic incident in my past.
When I was very young, I became diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety disorder, ADHD and later in adulthood(as if it wasn’t enough) I was diagnosed with Bipolar2. These mental disorders deeply affected my life in ways that I would be in constant fluctuations of unavoidable chaos. The severity of these conditions made it very difficult to have friends, have healthy relationships and cope with the harsh cruelty of my reality all throughout my life.
I have always found it very difficult to cope with the intensity of these mental disorders and at some point the severity of my illness became too much to bear. Overwhelmed by the suffering that it would induce and the state and condition of my mind and my inability to find healthy coping mechanisms, trapped in another country after having lost everything, on January of 2020 I made an attempt to end my life. I severed the arteries of my left hand causing permanent nerve damage losing all feeling on 80% of my hand and cursed with the feeling of shooting pains and static on my hand for the rest of my life.
I was lucky to have survived but the hell had only just begun. Shortly after this incident the global shutdown happened. I felt like I had died and had a terrifying fear that I was now in hell. The suffering continued, for a very long time, and in a hellish way, the isolation and the suffering continued endlessly. Somehow in all of this I became humbled and found a sense of enlightenment far beyond any that I had ever known. The whole experience taught me that no matter how harsh reality could become, Solace could still exist. In my inability to use my hand and in having to go to extreme lengths to be ok mentally while all this was going on, I saught comfort in the thought of hope. Endlessly dreaming about beautiful possibilities even when it seemed highly unlikely to ever become.
I moved to Mexico to be close to my family who helped me recover and bought a microphone and started relearning how to play guitar even when it was excruciating. I pulled up all the instrumental tracks I had recorded in garage band over the years on my acoustic guitar and I started writing lyrics and recording vocals. That is where I found my solace and where Solace of a Dream was born and I uploaded my first demo tracks to youtube. Solace of a Dream was the first song, then Call me Crazy and Spiders.
The Portal was written in 2021, when I moved back to California ready to start my new journey from the ground up rebuilding my entire life. In my healing journey I found it necessary to express the tragedy of that experience and it came out in this symbolic representation of seeking permanent escape. That is the tragic and dark story of my past. As terrified as I have always been to talk about this publicly. My hope is that by sharing this experience I might help people out there who are going through or have gone through similar experiences and feel like no one out there understands them. Because a lot of the time that is how I myself do feel.
On a side note, I always found myself stumbling across mind boggling synchronicities and found it extremely poetic when I met Channeler of Portal Studios in 2024.
It brings me great joy to be able to say that the hell I had to live through is now behind me. I have found my solace in pursuing my passions and never giving up hope on my dreams. Looking back now it all seems like some fever induced nightmare. I learned to become a compassionate human being and humbled by my dark past I can go forth knowing that my presence in this world can be a positive one and my mission now is to inspire, to motivate people and to show people that things can get better and life can be beautiful, no matter how hopeless it may seem. Never lose hope.
If you or your loved ones struggle with these issues please know that you are not alone. Hold on to hope for dear life and follow your dreams and pursue your passions, take it from someone who never thought it could get better. Don't ever give up. I promise you, everything is going to be ok ❤️ I believe in you.
